I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*