I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Bobby pin
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.