What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.