Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says