my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I love the honesty
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?