too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
You Might Also Like
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there