I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
23. the denim jacket
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep