The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky