I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
You Might Also Like
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
People buying plungers never look happy.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.