When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]