Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
When your man makes a valid point
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Said the murderer.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND