7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
And then there were 4
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Schrödinger’s cookie
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.