I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.