My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?