Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”