SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Xylophonist Shredding It
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
won’t smith
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.