*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table