Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.