“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.