guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This kid is a star!
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”