In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Just so funny
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
RT if you know someone like this!!!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?