Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hey I worked for it too!
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.