Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
You Might Also Like
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Ken is short for chicken
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that