Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
yes… yes…