So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..