When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.