Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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Barbie gone wild
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero