Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
my sentiments exactly
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
#SaturdayBears
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Always 🥴
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi