Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
oppen heimer style lol
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.