I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones