My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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nobody’s gonna understand
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
is this how new cars are made??
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.