There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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The honesty is refreshing
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It