The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
❤️🦆
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.