Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
some things should go without saying
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry