I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!