To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.