My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Wake me when AI does housework
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.