Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
#dnd #ttrpg
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]