Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.