[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
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Trumpy Cat
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Good morning.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?