*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.