doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
This was a bad idea all around
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
🤣😂🤣
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
It was worth a shot 😂
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”