*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Namaste
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?