My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume