I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
mom gave me mine for free
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.