If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
sleeping beauty
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille