[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
You Might Also Like
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning