[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Breaking news:
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.