Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy