doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
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My inexpensive home security system…
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.